So, I’m aware that some may not agree with my point-of-view. But let’s push our personal feelings aside and analyze the matter objectively, shall we? First and foremost, sex is enjoyable. I definitely agree. It is. It was meant to be. God created sex to bring married couples closer together to strengthen their companionship. I’m kinda against the school of thought that the main purpose of sex is to produce children, because you don’t see a child mentioned in the Bible until after the fall of man. So, what were Adam and Eve doing in the Garden until then, just looking at each other?
However, the intent was to bring them closer AFTER they grew close through emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is simply allowing someone to “see into you” and allowing you to “see into them,” their heart, their mind, their soul. Every type of interpersonal relationship requires emotional intimacy, but it is a powerful catalyst for fulfilling sexual desires in a husband and wife relationship. The reason why I’m putting emphasis on HUSBAND and WIFE and not just any relationship is to acknowledge that sex outside of a strong, committed marriage is way too dangerous. Even Solomon’s wife agreed.
Solomon 8:3-4 (MSG)
Imagine! His left hand cradling my head,
his right arm around my waist!
Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem:
Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,
until the time is ripe—and you’re ready.”
1. Makes You Prematurely Vulnerable
Although sex may be pleasurable, it can wreak havoc on one’s emotions. Sex makes both parties vulnerable to each other to a certain degree. It was designed to expose each other towards oneness. However, that design doesn’t disappear just because the act isn’t within the intended context. It still exposes you. If you’re having sex with someone that you’ve known for 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years and then he decides to move on because “it’s not working anymore” or because he’s just “not attracted to you anymore” you will still feel exposed to that person. That’s why a breakup can disrupt your own whole psyche and takes a stab at your self-esteem, your expectations and definitely your heart. Because sex was never intended for a relationship that would “breakup.” When you become extremely vulnerable to someone who didn’t value you enough to fully commit, you give that person unnecessary influence over your being that they never deserved. I know. I’ve been there.
Realistically, men can separate their emotions better than women in sexual relationships, so often times the person who ends up with the short end of the stick are us women.
To be fair, there are a lot of women who were in committed marriages and their husbands still left. I do sympathize with them, but generally, it’s much harder to leave a wife than a girlfriend. Divorce lawyers make sure of that.
And to be frank, it seems that men value women more when they aren’t easily accessible and open, literally. I learned this the hard way. They value women who respect themselves enough to be chased and sought after. Women who require true commitment to hold their attention. Diamonds don’t chase their jewelers. They rest in secure locations to be searched, cultivated and valued. So sweety, stay “rested” until your true jeweler comes.
2. Tampers With Your Peace of Mind
There are too many women soothing heart palpitations each month because they’re waiting for their menstrual cycles to begin. Your period is late and you forgot to take Plan B, or it was a long steamy weekend and going back and forth to the drug store wasn’t necessarily in the plans. Whatever the excuse, you are now at this heart-wrenching moment. Ladies, the 15 minutes of sex (more like 7-13 minutes scientifically speaking) is not worth you losing your peace of mind and sense of self.
It feels good to not have to worry about preventing your reproductive organs from doing what it was meant to do. It feels good to not have to worry about that bump that suddenly appeared (ingrown hair, phew) or the soul tie you’re creating with a man you can’t fathom being the father of your children anyway (which is not only dangerous, but illogical). Commitment goes both ways. If a man wants to commit to you, but you’re hesitant because he doesn’t meet up to your expectation. Yet, you stay because the sex is good, you’re not only doing a disservice to yourself but also to him.
3. Short-Circuits Developing A Companionship
Have you ever seen those old couples who are in their 60’s or 70’s that still have a lot of chemistry? They play around with each other, still make each other laugh and they still look at each other with pride and joy. It’s because they have a strong friendship that fuels their marriage. Most marriage veterans will tell you that you need more than sex to keep the chemistry going.
The whole point of a relationship is to grow close with a companion who loves you unconditionally, who supports you, who appreciates you, who praises your strengths and is patient with your weaknesses. However, if you haven’t developed a level of emotional intimacy and companionship where there is unconditional love, there is support, there is appreciation and there is acceptance… BUT you’re having sex, it’s a very dangerous place to be. Because technically you aren’t really in a relationship. And all of these factors have to exist past 3 months, 6 months, 1 year. Past the infatuation stage. It has to be built over time. So why rush into a sexual relationship with someone before they have proven that they can provide the companionship you’re really seeking?
Having sex too soon can short-circuit your ability to develop a companionship that lasts for decades.
4. Stunts Your Ability To Develop Self-Control
The difference between us and animals are our self-control. We’re both intelligent and intuitive, but they act on impulse. There is a reason why God gave man dominion. Because He gave us the ability to manage our impulse. And it’s evident in our societies. Usually, the people who are highly successful, are also highly disciplined and have a lot of self-control. Being able to manage your emotions, feelings, and desires for a greater gain is the catalyst to success. We should not and can not give in to our every desire and impulse because it’s dangerous and can have lasting detrimental effects on our future and purpose.
Just because someone is attractive, has nice abs, works at Ernest Young, and is an eloquent speaker (i.e. can spit game), doesn’t mean they should now have access to your whole body, inside and out. All of those factors are BASIC. Let’s focus on more concrete commitment factors. Will he stay if one of your kids have special needs? Can he handle you losing your job? Can he respect and love your dysfunctional extended family? Does he support you going back to school? or Starting a new career at 35? or Not wanting to have children at all? Release your inhibitions to the one that has proven that he wants to be committed for the long haul, by taking you to the altar until death does him part.
Your turn: What is your opinion about sex before marriage?