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Dear Future Husband

    How To Be A Happy Nigerian Single Over 30

    Bisolas Photo

    Looking fly in my 30s

    Three weeks ago, I turned 33. I asked myself how do I feel, and to be honest, I don’t feel much different than 32, or 31, or 30 or 29. I’ve pretty much been steadily focused on what I believe God has called me to become. But my Nigerian mother and my cohort of Nigerian aunties have a different way of viewing my age. From 25 and beyond, the seasoned women in my life have made it their duty to remind me of a clock that is ticking somewhere and have been committing co-operations to introduce me to men I’m sure they haven’t properly profiled for compatibility, all in the name of making me an M.R.S.

     

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    Why Sex Before Marriage Is Dangerous

     

    Why Sex Before Marriage Is Dangerous

    So, I’m aware that some may not agree with my point-of-view. But let’s push our personal feelings aside and analyze the matter objectively, shall we? First and foremost, sex is enjoyable. I definitely agree. It is. It was meant to be. God created sex to bring married couples closer together to strengthen their companionship. I’m kinda against the school of thought that the main purpose of sex is to produce children, because you don’t see a child mentioned in the Bible until after the fall of man. So, what were Adam and Eve doing in the Garden until then, just looking at each other?

    However, the intent was to bring them closer AFTER they grew close through emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is simply allowing someone to “see into you” and allowing you to “see into them,” their heart, their mind, their soul. Every type of interpersonal relationship requires emotional intimacy, but it is a powerful catalyst for fulfilling sexual desires in a husband and wife relationship. The reason why I’m putting emphasis on HUSBAND and WIFE and not just any relationship is to acknowledge that sex outside of a strong, committed marriage is way too dangerous. Even Solomon’s wife agreed.

              Solomon 8:3-4 (MSG)

    Imagine! His left hand cradling my head,
        his right arm around my waist!
    Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem:
        Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,
        until the time is ripe—and you’re ready.” 

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    How To Avoid Nigerian Marriage Fraud

    Kamsi T-Charles

    Image via: @kamsitcharles

    Unfortunately, I’ve seen friends or friends of friends getting married to supposed men of their dreams only to be abandoned after their husband’s permanent residency is established. Not only have I seen it, but I almost became a victim.

    I was introduced to a Nigerian guy who was living in the UK with a student visa that was expiring. He had no desire to move back to Nigeria. We conversed over the phone for about 6 months until I decided it was time to meet in person. When I got to the UK, ladies, he was a different person. He told me he wanted to marry me and had already arranged for a court ceremony (which wasn’t possible, because neither of us were British citizens) without meeting my parents. I refused. That’s when the trouble started. He was hostile, verbally abusive and condescending. I had never been with a man where I feared my safety. As soon as, I got back to the States, I broke our courtship off, especially since another woman called me confessing that she was with him the entire time and he told her he was using me to get his papers. Ladies, that was a frightening and confusing time for me. But I’m sharing my story so that others won’t go down the same path. Through the ordeal, I learned a few lessons that I hope you learn to.

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    3 Awkward Nigerian Introductions Resolved

    Awkward Nigerian Introductions Resolved

    Image via: @realnomalanga

    If you’re young Nigerian and fly without a man, chances are people are trying to introduce you to someone every other week. I’m I lying? I get it, marriage is an accomplishment to most and our parents and aunties want to brag about that too. They have our best interest in mind. But to a certain extent, you wonder whether they really know you when you meet some of these men. I’ve been there and trying to diplomatically escape from those situations are not easy. But I’ve learned a thing or two about human interaction that might be beneficial. However, it’s a process. Learning the art of politely rejecting people, so that they truly understand that you’re not interested (and not playing hard to get) is an art I’m still trying to master. Here are some common scenarios that may arise. It always helps to be prepared.

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    How To Be A Woman of Value To A Man of Value

    Natural Hair Couple

    Image via: Lloydtheabstrac

    Previously, I spoke about the perception of men having a lot of options pertaining to their choice of women. You can read my slight rant here. The bottom line, I don’t think men have a lot of options if they’re looking for valuable women. Not just any valuable woman. A woman that will add personal value to them. Here are a few guidelines for valuable women to follow.

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    Do Men Really Have A Lot Of Options In Women?

    Do Men Really Have A Lot Of Options

    Image via: Reveal Magazine

    So Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and people are thinking about relationships. Whether they are in one and want to stay, or they want to go or they just want to be in one, relationships are on people’s minds. It’s been on my mind too. Just in a different way. I’m going to rant just a bit. I apologize in advance.

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    Dear Future Husband: I’m Worth It

    Dear Future Husband

    Lately, I’ve noticed men seem too relaxed in approaching women.  It’s either that or they aren’t initiators in the communication process.  A few days could go by without a call from a guy who appears interested in a girl. However, when we (women) give them a call to check up on them, it turns into an extensive hour or two long conversation. So, guys do enjoy our interactions, but it takes us women to initiate it. Why? Some may say, because he’s just not that into you. I beg to differ. Usually, most women can tell when a man isn’t interested at all compared to when he is, but something is holding him back, which  prevents him from taking a lead position. That could be comfort or the fear of rejection.

    Let me give an example. A good friend confessed that in college she was crushing on a friend from her on-campus ministry. He was attractive, tall and had a genuine relationship with Christ. Check, check and check. The entire time she was silently crushing on him, he never overtly showed interest. It wasn’t until the faithful day a mutual friend told her that he had been crushing on her for years, but for some reason he decided not to approach her about it. What?! She discovered this after they graduated from college and went their separate ways. He ended up marrying someone else and is now divorced.  Essentially, both parties were equally fond of each other, but the guy didn’t make the first move and neither did my friend.

    The problem is, nowadays, it seems as if most men would rather be pursued than to pursue. But the women, the type that most future husbands are aspiring to marry, a good and virtuous woman, tend to want to be pursued. How does that work if men want to be pursued and women want to be pursued too. Men may not admit it. However, when a man feels he can be lax on making a commitment, because he believes he has options, than indirectly he probably believes the woman should work hard enough to prove she should be the chosen one. That’s backwards.

    It creates a shift in the framework of courtship. The roles become distorted and expectations are compromised. I call myself a modern traditionalist. I support certain modern views, but within a foundational framework. I believe a man should initiate and lead a courtship from being to end, while both parties build together to create a lasting, sustainable relationship. The Bible says,

    An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her?
    Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.” Proverbs 31:10 AMP

    Excellent women, “Good Things,” (Proverbs 18:22) are hard to find, but are valuable. The structure is such that men search and find valuable women to marry. Simple. I believe a lot of men have passed up valuable, supportive, loving, nurturing, intelligent, grounded and beautiful women, because the women required the need to be pursued, valued and treasured. Men, have you ever seen a raw authentic ruby or diamond laying on the sidewalk bare for all to grab? Jewels have to be searched for and excavated.  It takes effort, diligence, perseverance and sacrifice to mine and refine a jewel. That’s why they are valuable, because they aren’t easy to come by and they aren’t easy to maintain, but they are worth every dollar spent to retrieve them.

    Just like precious jewels, finding, loving and valuing a virtuous woman takes effort,diligence, perseverance and sacrifice to obtain and keep. But the reward is oh so great. Initially, she may give you wahala, because she wants to test you to see whether you can be her lead man, be patient. She may want to hold off on sex until marriage, persevere. She may even want to refrain from kissing to prevent the possibility of pre-marital sex, endure. She may want to wake you up at 5am to pray together about your present and your future, sacrifice the sleep. She’s worth it.

    Ultimately, choosing your life partner is your decision. No one should make that decision for you. However, remember that every choice has it’s own consequences. Be it positive or negative. I know a few men who took an easier route and silently regret it. It’s written on their faces. However, I encourage you to do what you have to do now, so you can reap the benefits later. Virtuous women usually come with respect, love, care, compassion, patience, support, and other fruits, so search well and work hard to find her. Pursue her like the jewel she is, because she’s worth it. I know I am.

     

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